July 24, 2006

Dude, Kyle's Not Here

My web host runs a cool little program (Urchin) that tracks how many people come to my website and how they got there. I check it periodically to see which sites are talking about me (yes, I'm vain, big surprise there) and how people are finding out about me.

There are some really strange data, particularly in the search terms with which people find my site.

I mean, sure, lots of people google, say, etrade (6.73% of all visitors on Friday, which means that they really, REALLY shouldn't have screwed with me), and often people will just google wil+shipley (3.85%) instead of remembering my non-mnemonic url (wilshipley.com).

But, how about the guy who was looking for custom+pimp+puppets? My first thought was, why'd this link to my site? And then, "What's a pimp puppet? Is it just a puppet of a pimp? If so, why the hell does someone want one?" (Unless it's named Frank.) The really bizarre part is the person didn't find what he wanted, so he followed up by googling custom+made+pimp+puppets. Vive la diffrence!

Now, I can see refining your search, but, why did he follow my link twice? I can just see some guy going through his list of possible hits on google and double-checking each one... "Did I already do wilshipley.com? I can't remember... OH GOB, WHY WON'T SOMEONE MAKE ME A CUSTOM PUPPET OF A PIMP?"


Stunningly, the #1 way people found my site in the last month was googling kyle+orton+drunk. I don't even know who this is or why he's drinking, although I do support the notion of drinking in general. Also, google doesn't actually link to my site with this search any more, so I'm not sure why this was my #1 referrer, but 10% of ALL visitors have this as their search terms, and, hey, welcome to all of you new readers, although you might be a bit disappointed with my site since I've only got 1/3rd of what you're looking for here. But here's a toast to your buddy Kyle!


Seven people came to my site after googling delicious+library+serial+number. Yah, because, uh, my blog is the #1 place to find haxxored codes FOR THE PROGRAM I WROTE! GET A JOB, YOU HIPPIES!


There are a lot of strange singleton google searches that I feel are like questions to me, personally. For instance, someone got to my site by asking what+does+%22dress+for+dancing%22+mean? (I feel I've let you down, sir. If you come back, I'd wear slacks that are comfortable and a nice shirt with buttons. Unless you're a girl - always go with a dress. You know... "dress for dancing.")

And, as for Mr. which+school+did+michael+faraday+go+to, I honestly have no idea. Wikipedia might... Ah, yes, here it is: he was self-educated; apprenticed to a book-binder for seven years, where he read many books. Man, there's a romantic past. I'm going to start telling people that when they ask me about my education. Screw the UW, that's LAM0RS!

sex+position+for+bad+knees? Ok, I got this one: ON YOUR BACK, GENIUS. Geez, did that honestly never occur to you? (Note: Wil Shipley is not a real doctor, and his medical advice should not be taken without first consulting your physician. Who will laugh at you. I mean, come on, just get off your knees if they hurt.)

what+do+you+call+the+guy+who+trades+options%3f? Options trader. Total gimme. Next?

write+like+a+pirate? Arrr, tis easy! 'Cept larnin' how ta' hold the pen in yarrr hook!

when+will+the+g5+have+an+intel+processor? Uh, I guess when you can buy an order of fries with a side of fries?

actual+pimp+lessons+and+tips+for+getting+a+bitch? No. First off, pimping ain't easy. Second, it's hard out there for a pimp. Third, you're an idiot. (Although, I can recommend a lovely puppet for you... no?)


Some people not clear on the concept of google:

me+creative+thinking+final+project. Hmm. Me assuming you not get good grade on that one.

using+wine+with+autodesk+inventor -- Oh, yah? Well I invented using wine with pimping code. Also, wine with programming, wine with playing Nintendo, and wine with breakfast. Oh, sweet wine.

And a personal note to Mr. naked+woman+pirates -- I like the way you think! You've pretty much covered your basic food groups there, except for booze.


Speaking of booze, yet more on our friend kyle:

orton+drunk -- I hear he is, yes.

google+kyle+orton+drunk.+ -- You don't have to type the word google into google, sir. It knows it's google.

kyle+orton+and+drunk -- kyle orton is be drunk, kyle orton a drinker be, kyle orton drinky-drank, yes, we get it.

kyle+orton+drunk+pics -- meh, you've seen one kyle orton drunk, you've pretty much seen 'em all.

kyle+orton+out+drunk -- I honestly can't believe anyone can out-drink this guy, considering how famous he is for it.

ray+orton+drunk -- No, no, it's kyle... K-Y-L-E.


A lot of people come to my site looking for info on Einstein, the talking-est parrot you ever did meet, and rightly so, because I am a one-stop shop for all your talking parrot needs. However, webcrawler (written by Brian Pinkerton, all-around awesome dude) has the most interesting link of all... if you search for images of Sister+Brother+Jerk+off+Story on webcrawler.com, the ONLY picture you'll find is from my blog -- it's Stephanie, the zookeeper from the Knoxville Zoo, with Einstein, the parrot that loves her, at TED 2006. Go ahead and follow that link, there's really nothing much going on. I mean, she's kind of making a kissy face, but they're both fully clothed. (Well, the parrot is fully... feathered.)

Now, I'd like to point out that Stephanie is NOT my sister, and she's happily married. And the parrot isn't related to me, either. And I never laid a hand on the zookeeper OR the parrot. Not that the parrot isn't attractive, but, you know... too bitey for my taste.

So how they HELL did this search term end up pointing to my site? Admittedly, my favorite joke in the whole world starts, "Did you hear about the guy who fucked a parrot?" but I don't think I've ever posted it here.


PS: He got a canarial disease: "chirpies". But don't worry, it's tweetable.



Anonymous Seth Willits said...


July 25, 2006 12:19 AM

Anonymous Scott said...

I think I found the thin thread for Kyle Orton. He plays quarterback for the Bears (I knew that before) but I had not realized he played at Purdue University.

What? Will Purdue was a famous basketball player?

Wait a minute.

Kyle Orton -> Purdue University -> Will Purdue -> Wil Shipley -> Call me Fishmeal.

July 25, 2006 12:38 AM

Anonymous sjoerd said...

Hilarious! This totally made my morning. ;-)

July 25, 2006 12:44 AM

Blogger Abhi Beckert said...

Funny shit, I laughed the whole way through!

July 25, 2006 1:07 AM

Anonymous Chris said...

Google search for "Did you hear about the guy who fucked a parrot?":

Did you mean: "Did you hear about the guy who killed a parrot?"

July 25, 2006 1:25 AM

Anonymous viperteq said...

"actual+pimp+lessons+and+tips+for+getting+a+bitch? No. First off, pimping ain't easy. Second, it's hard out there for a pimp."


July 25, 2006 1:31 AM

Blogger Troy Phillips said...

This was too funny - I had to wipe the tears out of my ears to finish reading!

July 25, 2006 1:59 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As other comments : hilarous !

Everybody is looking at me in the open space !
You made my day, thanks a lot !

July 25, 2006 2:34 AM

Anonymous kinji said...

It was me before, sorry, didn't get the thing with blogger !

July 25, 2006 2:35 AM

Anonymous Arik Devens said...

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing the Wine with Autodesk comment refers to running it on Linux using Wine.

Of course, why someone would be trying to get that information from a Mac oriented site still makes no sense.

July 25, 2006 2:39 AM

Blogger Wil Shipley said...

Arik: I have a heavily-linked article about "Wine" (the windows rewrite) on my site, so it's not that surprising.

July 25, 2006 3:09 AM

Blogger Sören 'chucker' Kuklau said...

Purely excellent post.

July 25, 2006 4:08 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wil, Kyle is here:


July 25, 2006 5:19 AM

Anonymous ian said...

kindly, sir, could you not help yourself, rather point me in the direction of an actual lesson on pimping? thank you.

July 25, 2006 5:28 AM

Anonymous Thomas Aylott said...

I could barely breathe for laughing there for a sec.

July 25, 2006 5:32 AM

Anonymous Larry Myers said...


I'm a Purdue alum, and Kyle Orton was our starting quarterback from about '02-'05. Then he went to play for the Chicago Bears and continued the fine tradition of being a mediocre Bears QB.

And yes, he likes his booze, and there are many a picture of him a bit loopy at the bars.

July 25, 2006 6:53 AM

Blogger Paul Davidson said...

Best post I've read all week, on any blog! Thanks.

July 25, 2006 7:56 AM

Blogger Aaron Tait said...

Brilliant and hilarious as always.

July 25, 2006 8:08 AM

Anonymous Darrin Cardani said...

I was once given a WebTV for free in exchange for taking surveys on it. One night some friends and I were screwing around with it and typed in "midget porn" to the search field, and it came up with a random list of sites, including one which appeared to be a water quality report for some random city in the US. I never knew why, but I'm really curious how it put those 2 things together.

July 25, 2006 10:19 AM

Anonymous jcburns said...

Yes, but do you know who makes ze puppets? Are you friends with ze, how you say, fabricateurs des puppets? Can you introduce me to zem? Would zey customize ze puppets? I am so sad when zey are the standard puppets who do not have the customization. Do not keep from me the information if you have eet.

July 25, 2006 11:13 AM

Blogger Daniel Jaramillo said...

Dude, this is absolutely hilarious!

July 25, 2006 11:55 AM

Anonymous Kyle Orton said...

Just to clarify:

I am here. I live inside your blog. I was here before you.

Please don't interfere with my drinking buddies coming here to find me.

July 25, 2006 2:56 PM

Blogger RAB said...

Actually, Gob's pimp puppet looks like this. Further details here.

July 25, 2006 3:05 PM

Blogger Mathieu said...

How hilarious. I want this Urchin thing for my website.
Funny too how WebCrawler is pretty accurate on what I might REALLY be looking for:
Are you looking for?

Ways to Jerk off

Jerk off Encouragement

Jerk off Websites

Masturbatrix (wtf?)

Jerk off Movies

Women WHO Jerk off Men

Jerk off Buddy

By the way I'm one of those guys who google's will+shipley every time. (yes with two l's. Sorry).

July 25, 2006 4:09 PM

Blogger ken said...

Great post.

Just wanted to point out that as soon as Google spiders this blog entry, you'll place even higher for all of those terms.
;) Yay!


July 25, 2006 7:45 PM

Blogger Roland said...


I hope this wasn't a typo, but was rather an extension of the previous paragraph's Frank bit.

July 25, 2006 8:45 PM

Anonymous Drew said...

Wil, you've got too much time.

(Very funny though)

July 26, 2006 5:36 AM

Anonymous Tony Frey said...

Wil -

You kill me, I really wish you'd spawn a second, syndicated blog on sarcasm and satire. I'd definitely pay for that.

July 26, 2006 7:35 AM

Anonymous Brendan said...

Google logs are the only reason I've even kept my website up.

But I haven't been contributing to your fun... just "ca me fi" into OW every time.

July 26, 2006 12:58 PM

Anonymous Karl said...

My site regularly gets gems such as "pirate king hentai" (HA, now you'll get it too), "ninja hentai listing," and "hentai hentai hentai." It's good to know that we are at least a neutral party in the battle between pirate depravity and ninja pornography.

July 26, 2006 8:06 PM

Anonymous Costique said...

I laughed until I cried! Thank you, Wil.

July 27, 2006 2:01 AM

Anonymous Sharon said...

You are funny... I was laughing so hard I could hardly read it through the tears :-)

I love it when you update your blog, you have a real talent for writing.

July 30, 2006 11:46 AM

Anonymous Jon Murugasu said...

thats was great reading, about the googleing and all that, i found it by looking for a pimp puppet. then it did have me asking my self why do i want one. but still i dont knwo where to get one.

thanks for the time.

Jon Muru

July 31, 2006 3:33 AM

Blogger Dave said...

Urchin? Try Google Analytics (http://www.google.com/analytics/).

August 04, 2006 3:30 PM

Blogger Wil Shipley said...

Same thing, prettier interface.

August 04, 2006 3:58 PM

Anonymous Adonis said...

Hillarious stuff! Made my night!

August 19, 2006 2:39 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not only are you a better programmer than I am, you're funnier in an ascerbic way. Drat. Well, my cat has a blog. (Uh, I hope nobody knows me here.)

October 04, 2006 8:49 PM


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